Dear Mr Carswell,
Douglas. Dougie. Mate!
So, how are things, hmm? Good. Listen, we've been thinking.
You know all those reasons you gave for leaving the Tories and joining Ukip?
We've just reviewed... and you've achieved all of those.
- A EU Referendum? Check.
- Freedom to speak on Brexit? Check.
- A shed load of publicity? Check.
- On TV a lot more? Check.
So ... isn't it time you went home, now?
You see, everyone knows you've always been a Tory, really. You've voted constantly in Parliament with them, almost always against Ukip's agenda. So nothing very much has changed in that regard.
But you gave Ukip a legitimacy that you're probably regretting right now. It probably seemed a good idea at the time. You were unknown outside Clacton. Or even in Clacton.
But since day 1, you've never really been accepted, have you? Tories hated you for being Ukip. Ukip hated you for being still a Tory. You freely accepted being the 'acceptable face' of a Party of Hate, telling yourself, every day, "It's all for Brexit".
Thing is, Ukip have now officially disowned you. They no longer need you, or want you. Nigel says he barely remembers who you are. Party members abuse you constantly. And you're are a leading light in the Brexit Group which is a rival to Ukip's own, so you don't need them either.
Now you've got what you wanted, isn't it time you put your coat on, gave Paul Nuttall the finger (metaphorically, please) and headed back?
Is there any benefit, at all, to staying?
You wouldn't lose out financially - but Nigel would. Can't you just imagine the look on his face?
|In happier times|
Now consider this: The one thing holding back your Brexit dream in the next 80 days is probably the uncontrolled antics of Ukip. Nigel, the long time cheerleader for EU Exit, his 'Cash Daddy' Arron Banks, and his website scrawler, Kassam at Breitbart, are all fixated on bringing you down, as well as Suzanne. Not really a happy family, are you?
Frankly, you probably stand more chance of Brexit if you cut the ties with the clowns, and announce it publicly soon.
Oh, yeah, one last thing: Suzanne phoned, she wants to go with you.
Best to the wife and kids.